8 Jan, 2026
Day 3 of working out complete, and I already feel amazing. My body is aching, which is awesome, because its a reminder that im achieveing something. Although I dont have a scehduled time to work out Ive still been doing 30 minutes every day. I was going to do counted sets but found that going until failure works well enough. Added planking to the list, which is NOT fun to do after pushups. Im not worried about working out legs right now, just my arms / lats / core. Im still off of fast food!!! Im not completely changing my diet, mostly because I dont have to for what my goals are but also because I eat healthy enough as it is. Found out that adding salt to water with fruit in it makes powerade. Yum.

5 jan, 2026
Ive been going through random spurts of shit I don't usually engage with. Things like cross dressing, talking to strangers, doing harder drugs, joining groups online, sexting.. It's embarrassing because I want to man up and gain control again. With the new year already here, I really want to start working out, eating better, and being more productive. I want to fix my sleep schedule, ( I say as I write this at 5 in the morning ) and feel better about myself. I hate my face and physique. Hopefully I can change that. I want to finally grab my gun license too. That's going to be one of my biggest achievements this year I think. Work cut my hours, so I'll have to figure out what to do about money again. It'll get worse. I know it will, but eventually it'll all work out.

25 Dec, 2025
For some reason the people that I want to care about me, care the least. It devestates me but I cant live with this any longer and I need to move on if I want a chance at being happy. It would be nice to find a girl who likes me even though im depressed, however I can tell that everyones sick of me crying and begging for help, and im sick of being vanuerable in front of people who dont care. Ill be the happiest guy alive.

19 Dec, 2025
My parents are pretty neglectful of my mental health. Im shut down quickly, get told not to ask stupid questions , yelled at if I say the wrong thing, they act like I'm a nutcase who is nothing but rude to them and that they're perfect because they let me live at home. I guess yeah, you're just the greatest parent for not letting me be homeless at 20. I've told them I wanted to get my own place and they say it'll never happen. One time they said they will NEVER financially help me so don't even ask. I refuse to eat their food because whenever we get in arguments they try saying they feed me. I don't have a car right now so I can't get groceries so I eat maybe 5 things a week. I know I work at a grocery store but I'm not allowed to shop on the clock and I work till close .. Im gonna just start doing it anyway though cuz that's fucking dumb. My cat might die soon, and i'm not allowed to bury her because they're cremating her, and even though I said that would break my heart and make my depression 10x worse, they told me to stop being retarded because it's not up for discussion. I hear what they say about me to eachother, that I'm fucked in the head, an asshole, weird.. the only times I've ever been told I'm doing good is when they're drunk.. if I ever mention how we're "broke" but somehow have almost $100 worth of alcohol in the fridge EVERY night, I get yelled at. I don't even know why they want me here. Hahahahaha.

21 Nov, 2025 - edit
When I was younger I would get really drunk and go for walks almost every night. I would carry weapons, usually knives, and hang out around shelters, gas stations, under bridges, just trying to get into a fight. I would draw myself killing people who pissed me off or bullied me, or just random people raping and eating eachother.. I have always been obsessed with violence. It feels like theres something evil coercing me through lust, drugs, alcohol, whatever it can, whenever im vunerable. I have been trying to escape through small windows of reality, music, art, but somethings wrong. I cant even sleep without it chasing me there. I cant even fucking SLEEP. Im awake, im aware, it is not sleep, its another dimension. Its HELL, and ive tried to break out, gotten close but I just cant. Its all so fucking humiliating. I am a man, I should have control, but I dont, and its going to be the death of me.

20 Nov, 2025
I just woke up because I needed to take a piss. When I went back to bed, for only about an hour, I had another nightmare. They're getting weirder, I'm aware I'm dreaming almost every time now. I don't remember why I was so scared but I was and knew I had to wake up. I was in my house. It's starting to really look like my house now, upstairs and down. I couldn't point out any red flags this time, I just knew i was dreaming because I couldn't scream or see properly, which is a reoccurring theme. I knew to grab my phone and write myself a note;"if you see this, you woke up, you broke out.". I started getting ready to go outside. I was falling and screaming, which ended up waking up my family, and by the time I got downstairs my little brother was coming out of the bathroom going " why are you thumping around??? ". I ignored him and ran to the living room where mom now was. I didn't know what to do, so I started crying and curled up in a ball on the couch. I started to fall asleep, amd saw visions of my eyes going white, as if I was dying. The world spun, and I was gone. The last thing I heard was my mom, "Jesus Charlie, you're losing it. you can't even control it anymore!". As soon as I woke up I felt the exact same fear. I immediately grabbed my phone to check my notes. There was nothing there. Right now, I'm about to go back to sleep. I'm gonna see if I can communicate with the entity that's torturing me. I have suspicion that Im being abducted.

20 Nov, 2025
I worry I wont succeed. Ive really had nobody ever tell me im doing good, besides when theyre drunk, or if ive asked for them to "just be nice". it's always "youre an idiot, you dont know what youre doing, youre going to fail". it drives me forward somewhat, but god, it ruins me. I hope I can get what i want and give my friends what they want too.

23 Sep, 2025
I am personally antivax. Not because I know anything about science, but because I don't trust that the government wants to keep me healthy. I dont care if other people decide to get them, do what you want with your own body. I was only vaccinated for measles as a kid I believe, but i have refused everything else since. No, I don't have any health conditions. People don't argue with me about this surprisingly, Infact they usually say they don't blame me for being paranoid.. so that's a nice little surprise. I watched a family member suffer from the side effects of the COVID vaccine. She had no health conditions, was under 25, and then randomly started having seizures about a week after she got it. People blame coincidence, I dont. But other than that, it's all just general distrust in the government. In the case something were to outbreak, and my gut instinct told me to get a vaccine, I would. that probably won't happen though. But who knows! Shit happens. But i would rather take a natural remedy rather than one made by Big.P .

28 Jul, 2025
I hate ai! We could have totally used it for good but we fucked it up, just like we always fucking do. Anyone who uses AI to generate art, responses, videos, is nothing but a brain dead fucking idiot to me. I don't care. I obviously know there is (and has been for quite some time) good AI , but i'm specifically talking about the awful new age skull rotting bullshit. I hate this world!!!!!

05 Jul, 2025
I pray for this world, I wish it were nicer to me. I don't know what I did to deserve this torment. I'm not evil, I know Im a sinner but what man isn't? I wish I could escape without losing everything I love, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. The system feeds off negative energy, because it's easier to make people suffer than it is to make everyone happy. There is nothing you can do about it because it's built to hurt. There is no hell after death; this IS hell. Death is the fucking escape! They've painted it like life is the test that you have to pass in order to live in a perfect world, but these demons don't want you to follow the rules so that you can go to heaven; they just want control over you UNTIL you die. They've tricked everyone, even nonreligious people that don't follow anything still live by the rhetoric subconsciously; the fact that you know about it is all it takes. Isn't it ironic that suicide "sends you to hell"? Of course they'll try to scare you out of it; they can't charge anything with a dead battery. The answer is clear; DEATH ON AN INDUSTRIAL SCALE, EVERYONE HAS TO DIE

19 Jun, 2025
Selling art is hard. I would love to make a living off of this shit but the market is pretty much nonexistant at this point. Especially for what I draw, not many people want a picture of zombie tits on their wall... But I refuse to pander to what sells. Even if i make jack shit off of my art, im stayin true to what i like, and thats zombie tits!!!!!!!!

25 May, 2025
Ive always been an actively suicidal person, but i never felt the need to say i HAVE depression. navigating this is hard, im trying to take care of my physical health first, seeing if it helps.. not that im unhealthy, i just... could be better. ive been using "nice language" towards myself, and it does help a bit.. sometimes i HAVE to look in the mirror and tell myself that everything is going to be alright, or else the day feels impossible. but when i dont do that, i just resort to cutting myself. Im not really sure why it helps, maybe because of the adrenaline rush, or a distraction, or because i *enjoy* being in pain...i dont know, sorry for oversharing i guess. i guess its just comforting to put it out there, it makes me feel less guilty, like im hiding a dark secret from the world.

13 May, 2025
Some days, i feel like a dead man walking. i keep drinking, and i keep fucking running my mouth ,im an asshole,i hate people, and people hate me. thats how its always been. Everytime i get a voice, i freak the fuck out . i cant be alone any longer, but im not fit of mind to be seen by people. I feel helpless. I cant write, cant make art, cant make music, ive got the motive for it all, but inevitably, im a nobody. i try so hard, i swear i do, but its usless. Im gonna start a new project eventually, but right now everything just feels dead...... god, i know I am! I crave pleasure, something new.. ive gotta get the fuck out of here! i need MONEY!!!! a LOT OF IT, and FAST!!!!! Ive been fighting with god these past few weeks. i keep seeing the signs, its really starting to freak me out. i feel like someones gonna come up behind me at any minute. what if i get kidnapped...? or raped?? or they try to wipe my brain!? they cant get in. i wont let them in. im no good alive and too pathetic to die. If i had a gun i would shoot myself right between the fuckng eyes

26 Feb, 2025, dream log
The town turned into hell. The sky was black, the water was red, Trucks and cars were on fire, yet they were driving perfectly fine. all of the buildings had been turned into stone, with faces carved into them. they danced and laughed at me. everyone was screaming, but I was screaming the loudest